


hold tight and love me longer

by softtofustew



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jaehyungparkian, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-03-29 21:06:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19027936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softtofustew/pseuds/softtofustew
Summary: when jae looks down at his hands, he could have sworn he’d caught blood trickling out of his heart, down the front of his shirt. he blinks, the image gone as soon as it appeared. when he glimpses back at brian, the boy with his rumpled floral shirt and uncombed hair grins at him. “we’re only just beginning, jae, don’t zone out already.”or the one where the love that brews between two boys by the beach rises and falls over ten long years - but will never fade away.





	hold tight and love me longer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tunecuck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tunecuck/gifts).



> title from lucky strike by troye sivan //  
> aaaaaAAAAA friends to lovers! trope over the years will forever remain my ultimatum. hits right in the feels. as for tunecuck, i do hope you enjoy this !! here’s a playlist to listen to as you read, too: https://open.spotify.com/user/cwsiow03/playlist/2c32aAnoY0ypu1fepX8UK0?si=qc3LbBT8RQenMd8PpXNPnA

_breathe me in, exhale slow_  
_take me to anywhere you wanna go_

 

_—_

 

_ 2007 _

 

the scorching summer sun beats down upon the crowded beach. the sound of squealing children resounding over the waves licking at the sands tunes into and out of fifteen-year-old jae’s conscience. a bead of sweat rolls down from his scalp and down the side of his head, before dripping down and disappearing into the crusts of sand.

he pushes his sunglasses up and onto the top of his head, a greasy tumble of black hair framing it; watches the scenery. the summer friends he made two years ago when he’d first come here are all gathered at the bar, ordering drinks after a rough round of beach volleyball - something jae has long decided to back out of, arguing that it’s too painful for his narrow wrists, but moreso because he’s not eager to humiliate himself in front of everyone else.

or, perhaps, humiliate himself in front of  _ him _ .

jae flicks his sunglasses back onto the crooked bridge of his nose again. he’s glad his mum finally,  _ finally _ let him buy his own pair of aviator sunglasses, offering the excuse of _ the sun’s too glaring at the beach, mum, how am i supposed to stay out there with my eyes open without them? _ ; really, it’s just a mere excuse to be able to check people out without so much of a glare.

he’s not sure why, though. maybe it’s because brian, the boy who lives at the beach and whom he’s acquainted himself with for three weeks now, has the most sun-kissed skin, or at least is so much tanner than jae’s pale skin. or maybe it’s because brian, fourteen-turning-fifteen, exudes so much more confidence than jae can weasel out of his own self. still, he’s not really ‘checking brian out’, he’s  _ just _ admiring how skilfully he smacks the volleyball with all his might, sending it spiralling - straight for jae’s head.

there’s a loud  _ thump _ . jae’s sunglasses get knocked off his face as he crashes against the lounge chair he’d been sitting on. there’s a shout, the stomping of feet against sand. “shit, jae, you okay?” a face appears, framed by a helmet of frizzy hair and gentle fox eyes. “sorry, i was practising my dig!”

“‘s alright,” jae chuckles, lifting himself up. a hand wraps around his lithe arm to help him up, fingers wrapped around his little bicep. his heart does  _ the thing _ again, something it’s been doing ever since he shook hands with the other when they’d met by the shores building sandcastles - a squeeze of his heart, like someone curling a hand around it and clenching it tightly; trying to squeeze every drop of blood out of it.

this time, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did that time brian had grinned at jae yesterday. (still, it hurts all the same.) “why don’t you play with us?” brian offers casually, jabbing jae’s rib cheekily.

jae shrugs, but really it’s more of an _ i don’t want to be an embarrassment in front of everyone _ shrug than an  _ i don’t know.  _ he doesn’t hit it off with his friends back at school practically five hours away from here. ever since his folks had bought the beach house close by, jae’s been visiting the beach every day, making friends he couldn’t make back at home, and he’s adamant not to lose any one of his beach friends. especially not brian, who has garnered the attention of practically all the pre-teens and adolescents residing by the beach this summer; the boy whose dad handles the beach bar which serves the much-loved cocktails and fruit juices. “not really into it,” he half-lies, and it's true - he'd much rather try and get tanner under the sun than injuring himself over a volleyball. 

brian juts his lower lip out in a pout. “come  _ on _ , everyone's taking a break. no one's gonna even see you. it's just you and me, jae.” he flashes a wide grin at jae, that heart-squeezing grin that jae's still trying to get used to.  

“fine,” jae relents, scrambling to his feet. every step is a burn to his skin as he strides along with brian to a more secluded area under a huge tree, where sand meets soil. “but only this once,” he adds at the last-minute, which makes brian laugh aloud.

“i promise you, you’re going to  _ love _ it the second you try it,” brian presses insistently. “just clasp your hands together, like this.” he drops the volleyball onto the ground loudly, before demonstrating to jae. his fingers curl together, his thumbs beside each other. “just like this.”

jae frowns as he fumbles with his fingers, unsure of where to place them exactly. “like… that?” he curls both hands into fists, shows them off to brian, who chuckles at his poor try.

“no, dude. wait, y’know what- lemme just-” he shuffles closer and wraps both hands over jae’s own, and jae swears his heart squeezes so hard it almost bursts out of his chest. his lungs feel so constricted of air as brian loops jae’s fingers together just so, positions his thumbs just right. “there we go.”

when jae looks down at his hands, he could have sworn he’d caught blood trickling out of his heart, down the front of his shirt. he blinks, the image gone as soon as it appeared. when he glimpses back at brian, the boy with his rumpled floral shirt and uncombed hair grins at him. “we’re only just beginning, jae, don’t zone out already.”

_ we’re only just beginning, jae. _

as much as beginnings go by, a sort of guilt pools in the guts of his stomach already - but with just a tinge of sweetness.

 

— 

 

weeks fly by in a matter of what feels like seconds to jae. he sort of gives up on volleyball, but never fails to watch the game whenever brian comes around to join in on the fun. every afternoon is spent with watching brian play volleyball, following brian down the shores as they compete to find the most attractive seashell, being with brian, brian, brian. 

jae’s surprised by how much of his time is consumed with the other boy, but he figures it’s mostly how friendly and amiable the boy is. brian’s skin tans under the sun, and so does jae’s, from all the hours spent splashing in the waters of the seas, from climbing rocks and skipping pebbles across the waves. 

one afternoon, a little over a week before jae heads back to the city, brian sets a satchel of pebbles down before the both of them. “i found all the best pebbles california can offer,” brian announces proudly, before plucking out a flat one for jae to see. “the one who can get their pebble to skip the most number of times wins.”

“hah! we all know who he is already,” jae puffs his chest out, making brian burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. he takes up a pebble, aims, before swinging it outwards. it’s sent skimming the waters, skipping once, twice, thrice, before plopping into the waters some distance away.

brian wears an amused expression on his face. “nice. but can it beat  _ this _ ?” with that, brian flings the pebble out, sending it gliding across the waters for as long as a second, before disappearing with a resounding plop into the seawaters, never to be seen again.

jae giggles, prodding brian’s side. “beat what?”

“shut up,” brian shoots back, but he’s laughing. “fine, fine, you’re better at it than i am. now shut up-  _ yah _ !” jae’s splashing water onto brian’s calves, which only makes the latter yelp and flick water at the older. soon enough, they’re wrestling around on the sands. brian leans down to try and tickle jae’s sides where he knows jae’s sensitive from a particularly rough game a couple of weeks back. jae defends himself, but to no avail - he lets brian tickle his sides as he shrieks with laughter. 

“stop!” jae yelps in between giggles, and all of a sudden there’s zero contact with the sides of his tee. surprised, jae opens his eyes to see brian looking down at him in concern. “what? what happened?”

“you told me to stop,” brian mumbles. his eyes seem to search jae’s for a sign of an answer. “are you okay? did i hurt you?”

jae’s heart squeezes at this, this precious, precious boy with his equally precious heart. fuck feelings. “i’m fine. don’t worry, i just wanted you to stop.”

brian nods, but he doesn’t budge an inch from where he’s sat on jae’s lap, legs sprawled out on either side of jae’s sides. his head is dizzy from this angle, where he can see the little stubble above brian’s upper lip, where he can see the little mole on brian’s neck. “okay, then.”

“... but can you get off of me?”

“what? oh!” brian blushes, rushing to peel himself away from jae and instead settling into the space beside jae, sand be damned. “um… well. that was fun.”

“yeah?” jae hums. he tilts his head to see brian, the fox eyes, the strong slope of his nose, the thin lips. jae’s eyes seem to have to be willed to tear away from the prominent features of brian’s face, before they flicker back up to brian’s eyes. “this summer was definitely super fun.”

“will you come back, though?” brian asks, hopeful. “i’ll be around here for, like, forever.”

jae watches how brian purses his lips together thoughtfully, and jae makes his decision then and there. “yeah, of course. who am i supposed to get free drinks from if i don’t come back?” 

he gets chucked in the head with a handful of sand in response. in between giggles and more tickles, jae can’t help but notice how erratic his heartbeat is - can’t help but notice how erratic brian’s heartbeat is against his when their chests touch, lips so close yet so far apart.

_ we’re only just beginning, jae. _

 

— 

 

_ 2009 _

 

summer comes faster than jae expects - he’s peaking eighteen with only a handful of months to go, back at the beach with an air of sureness and a more composed self. at least, that’s what he tells himself. his parents have decided a summer at the beach house every alternative year, so here jae is: tall, gangley, having shot up a good couple of inches over the year, a bed of dark hair tumbling past his eyes and dorky glasses framing his stark face. still, school isn’t all about loathing the nerdy guy with an infinite allergies anymore, so he kinda doesn’t dread school much anymore. 

that doesn’t give him a reason to dread going back to the beach, though. he’s been on the edge of his seat, counting down the days till he gets back and sees brian again. something that has changed over the years - jae’s kinda figured out about the whole heart-squeezing thing, a side effect of finding brian handsomer than jae should. he hasn’t dared to tell a soul, though - he thinks he’ll only answer if there’s a question.

this afternoon, he slaps the backs of a couple of summer friends he remembers making all the years ago - jinyoung’s grown taller, sungjin’s grown broader, wonpil’s grown more petite than ever. he dumps the contents of his duffel bag onto a lounge chair, kicks off his shoes and socks and unbuttons a couple of buttons down his plaid shirt. turns out he pretty much adores volleyball now, and he’s not hesitant to catch the ball zipping through the air and start a match with his friends.

he does, however, find himself hesitant to scan the surroundings for a boy with a helmet of hair and bright eyes; nowhere to be found. he suppresses the urge to ask, but sungjin knows better when he catches a pout forming on his friend’s face. “are you looking for brian?”

caught red-handed, a blush begins warming up and creeping its way onto the other’s cheeks. “well… where is he?” jae asks slowly.

“he helps his dad at the beach bar now. wanna go there for some drinks?”

everyone else nods in agreement, a unison of whines about how hot the weather is, how scalding the sand is under their very toes. yet, white noise builds up in jae’s head. his feet seem to have a mind of their own, shuffling him towards that little wooden hut by the shore, tables and chairs littered around it with teens sipping on iced drinks and popsicles. jae swallows the lump in his throat as he nears the little hut.

at the counter, a guy grins at the lot of them. his smile is radiant, coupled with a pair of crescent eyes. “hey, guys!” a voice rumbles, and jae’s heart clenches so tightly against his chest - it’s brian. but… not brian.

but it’s brian. just… his shoulders are broader now, not the narrow frame that jae remembers. his shirt is unbuttoned all the way, revealing tanned skin and a wide chest. khaki pants hide behind the counter, which is a sort of relief to jae, because he doesn’t exactly intend on finding out brian’s lower body just... yet. sweaty hair is matted to his forehead, droplets of it rolling down the sides of his face.

_ breathe in, exhale slow. 1, 2, 3, 4- ah, fuck it. _

“hey, brian,” jae finally says after everyone else orders their drinks. dumbly, he takes a seat at the counter, whilst all his friends snatch a table by the side. 

for a second, brian drinks in the sight of the other, eyebrows furrowed before being raised. “jae! hey! it’s been so long,” brian cheerfully greets, smile widening. “what can i get you?”

 

“uh…” jae blinks. he cannot, really should  _ not _ be staring at brian so openly; heck, he might just be drooling right now for all he knows. yet his eyes stay on the high cheekbones and chapped lips on the other’s face. “w-whatever’s good.”

“whatever?” brian teases, but he’s already making a grab for the shaker by the side. “alright then, one  _ whatever _ coming right up.”

“thanks.” jae sneaks a look at his friends, all oblivious of his gawking at brian, before returning his attention to brian. the other is concentrated on slicing some fruits, squeezing out the juices into the mixer. as he does so, jae’s eyes can’t help but skim past brian’s forearms, sweat clinging to his skin under the scorching humidity. 

when he glances back at brian, he watches the red juice oozing out of the fruit, watches it so carefully he barely even realises the drink is done until brian starts, “here’s one  _ whatever _ , made specially for you.”

jae snaps himself out of his daze, smiling weakly. “thanks. how much for it?”

a smirk finds its way upon brian’s face, and jae had thought his heart couldn’t hurt any much more. “it’s on the house for you, jaejae,” brian choruses gleefully. 

jae rolls his eyes, but takes the drink anyways. his finger twirls around the straw before bringing it to his lips. “i didn’t know you started helping out at the bar,” he says quietly, just as he takes a small sip of the cold drink. he tastes strawberry and a hint of mango, and perhaps a dash of some other fruity concoction upon his tongue. 

“dad’s gettin’ older,” brian shrugs, leaning against the counter on his elbows. his collarbones sink out, the sharpness of them prominent since exposed by his unbuttoned shirt. “needa help him out, anyways. how long have you been here for already?”

“came yesterday, but it’s kinda like my first full day today. you haven’t missed out on much,” jae grins cheekily.

“haven’t  _ missed out _ ? it’s been two years, man, you’ve shot up by a head or something,” brian points out, slightly taken aback. the other’s not sure if it’s genuine surprise or a touch of hurt he hears in brian’s words. perhaps both. either way, he sinks down in his stool, smiling sheepishly.

“well, sorry-”

“-why’re you apologising? for what?-”

“-keeping you waiting?” jae offers hesitantly. it sounds stupid on his lips. god, he’s stupid. when has he not been stupid, anyways? from walking up here and ordering some stupid drink and spewing stupid nonsense at the boy he’s been yearning to see for forever now.

still, brian chuckles, his expression softening. “forgiven,” he says at last, before adding, “my shift ends at four… wanna play a round of volley after?”   
  


— 

 

hours pass in a blur, and so do the days and weeks that follow. sometime in the third week at the beach, jae finds himself at a beach party held by one of his summertime friends, jackson. fairy lights are strung around the branches of palm trees overhead, twinkling like the stars sewn into the darkening sky above their heads. warm hues drape across the expanse of the sky, pink turning into red into deep indigoes and violets. 

unsure of what to wear, he’d simply grabbed a floral-printed hawaiian tee with khaki pants, swim shorts underneath for good measure. brian’s working at the bar tonight, mixing drinks and such (nothing alcoholic, or “my dad will fucking behead me”, mark brian’s words), wearing himself sleeveless with an apron over his outfit. even in the dim light, jae can make out the ghost of a smile worn on the other’s face.

jae’s not one for parties. clearly. for the sake and entertainment of his peers, he tries (and ultimately fails, no surprise there) at body rolling, which ends up having him starting a trend of a sort of chicken dance under the palm trees dancing along with the light breeze. the smell of salty sea air mixed with fruit juices fills the air, along with the laughter of everyone around him as jae pretends to grind up against wonpil.

when that’s over, wonpil slaps jae playfully on the arm, which makes jae slap him back in response. “thanks, dance partner,” he says coyly over his shoulder, eyes twinkling before he strides off in search of sungjin under one of the taller palm trees. 

jae grins, still unable to get off of his high of making a fool of himself in front of everyone. naturally, he doesn’t realise jackson creeping up to him from behind until the boy leans in and whispers into jae’s ear, “you know wonpil wants to get into your pants, right?”

jae yelps, swivelling around in surprise. “seriously?” he enunciates, eyes narrowing at the other.

“seriously,” jackson guffaws. “have you not noticed the googly eyes he’s been givin’ you ever since you came back? maybe you  _ are _ blind as fuck -  even with those glasses of yours.” the boy flicks jae’s head, causing him to yelp again.

sighing, jae folds his arms across his chest. “okay, firstly, i am  _ not _ blind-”

“-says who-”

“-says  _ me _ ! i did lasik surgery, okay-”

“-le gasp. those glasses are fake?!-”

“-style, jackson, think  _ style _ .” jae over-exaggerates, flailing his arms out to his sides in exasperation. “and secondly, even if wonpil  _ does _ want to get into my pants… i don’t think of him that way. no matter how adorable he is.”

“maybe it’s just the raging hormones going on for him,” jackson shrugs. “sixteen does that to you. but i  _ do _ know that eighteen and looking at someone with heart eyes doesn’t necessarily mean sex and sex only.”

jae furrows his eyebrows as he leans against the trunk of a nearby tree. “whaddya mean?”

“you’re not fooling anyone, jae jae,” jackson points out, before taking a sip of his fruity drink in the glass in his left hand. he releases an overdramatic sigh when he finishes, before cocking his head at the older. “you like brian. like,  _ like-like _ . the mushy, disgustingly cute kinda like-like-”

“-oh my god.” jae cards a hand through his hair, crusty with sand from getting playfully shoved onto the ground a few hours ago by dowoon. “shit. am i that obvious?”

“captain obvious is quivering as we speak,” jackson teases.

the sound of the bass pounding from the speakers is drowned out by jae’s impending thoughts, invading his brain from all corners now. “do you think he knows?” he asks in a hushed whisper.

“if anyone else is any more clueless than you, it’s brian. no sweat,” jackson thumps the other’s shoulder tauntingly, his eyes glimmering under the fairy lights. “just… walk up to him. flirt a little. let him in on a little. i’m distraught by how the both of you keep toeing the fucking line. cross it already.” before he struts off, he turns and adds, “you’re turning eighteen! you  _ need _ a love life. stat.”

as soon as jackson’s gone, jae purses his lips together in deep thought. he hadn’t realised he’d been that obvious - were the sneaky glances he shot at brian when the latter takes off his shirt for volleyball actually not that sneaky? or was his laughter at brian’s lame jokes too forced and too bright to sound platonic? his head spins with a million questions, and maybe, he decides, he should probably avoid brian for the time being, lest anyone else find out about how distressed jae is about his stupid cru-

“oh, hey jae,” brian’s voice is warm and homely, and it’s then when jae realises that his feet have subconsciously taken him to the front counter of the bar. fuck. “nice dancing there just now.”

there’s a hint of tease in brian’s tone, and jae is nothing but a cynical lover, and so his heart skips a beat. “i’d like to say i set trends for most humiliating dances on the internet, but that’s not something i should be proud of, right?”

brian shrugs, leaning onto his elbows. a sliver of tanned skin shows where the collar of the boy’s sleeveless shirt dips down with his body. “ well, as hamlet said,  _ there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so _ ,” he quotes eloquently, and jae’s heart squeezes a bit more. he’s so knee-deep in shit.

“literature major? figures.”

“well, yeah. still in high school, though,” brian reminds the other. he begins to busy himself by drying the glasses on the countertop with a damp cloth, the lines of his forearms appearing and disappearing with every miniscule movement. “you’re starting uni after summer, right?”

“don’t remind me,” jae grumbles. “i sound old.”

“you  _ are _ old,” brian teases, the corners of his eyes crinkling upwards the same way they did two years ago, when jae finally managed to serve a volleyball correctly. “you’re turning eighteen soon! what’s the big adult life lookin’ like?”

“hm,” jae pretends to ponder seriously, forefinger tapping against his chin. it probably looks stupid, but anything for him to ham it up and hear brian chuckling. “responsibilities, more responsibilities, reading Great And Important Books About Great And Important People In History, non-existent love life, mountain after mountain of assignments. probably.”

“you’re telling me you’re  _ still _ single?” brian asks inquisitively. there’s a hint of surprise or something along those lines in his voice, but jae brushes it off as his imagination. 

“in my defence, i’m too good-looking for just simply anyone,” jae puffs his chest out in mock arrogance, causing brian to snort at this. “anyone who wants this pound of tall hot goodness needs to deserve me, y’know.”

at this, brian slowly sets the glass down. the sound of glass against mahogany wood chinks, drawing jae’s attention to it. suddenly, under the other’s intense stare, jae’s quick to look elsewhere, but no matter what, brian’s words ring in his head, loudly and clearly. “well, then. should i prove that to you, jae?”

 

—

 

the din of the party wanes with every step the both of them take, away and further away from the cluster of teens dancing under tall palm trees. as the sun dips lower in the sky, darkness overcast, brian leads jae down the coastlines. they stroll alongside the waves, the water lapping at their feet cold, but the closeness of the other is warmth enough for jae.

brian’s ditched his bar duty on a begrudged jinyoung, yanked his apron off. underneath, his silk shirt is unbuttoned all the way, skin showing with every step - it takes all of jae’s fibres not to lean over and run his fingers gently along every little dip and curve of the boy’s body, not to lean in too much and give it all away when brian loops an arm casually around jae’s shoulder.

brian’s words at the bar are long forgotten now; they’ve dived into another conversation of their own. he speaks of high school and rainy winters and summer homework and duties by the shore. jae speaks of graduation and newfound peers and cold springs and summers by the shore. 

eventually, they reach the little walkway to the pier. jae’s surprised - he’s never walked this far out before. by the pier, small sailing boats for leisure bop up and down in the rolling waves alongside fishing boats and the like. 

“it’s quiet around here this time of the day,” brian says, before leading jae up the steps. the wood creaks under their sandals, letting in on them passing by. “i usually come around here when i need to rest, or think, or solace from anyone else. or i just come here for whatever.” at this, he tilts his head to smile at jae, that heart-squeezing smile jae’s so used to seeing but never immune to.

“hm,” jae hums softly. as they reach the landing, he can hear the sound of waves thrown against the legs of the wooden structure underneath them, the sound of seagulls flapping away from the pier at their presence. 

silently, brian gestures for jae to follow him. the former eventually lowers himself down and sits at the edge of the pier, legs dangling out. jae follows suit, his shorts riding up his stark pale thighs as he plops down beside brian. 

the clear waters reflect back the dark indigos and violets beginning to streak over the sky. when jae tilts his head up, time has passed by so fast - stars have begun glittering across the vastness of the canvas above their heads. his lips part in wonder. this is the side that the city will never see, the side full of beauty and awe. 

he continues to stare on for a moment, before feeling a pair of eyes on him. when his eyes land on brian’s looking square in the face at him, his heart pressed of every droplet of blood. “hey,” he says stupidly, not knowing how else to respond.

brian chuckles.  _ he really is so pretty like this _ , jae thinks, as he looks at the other’s curved eyes and strong jaw and straight teeth and chapped lips. he doesn’t let his eyes stay for too long on the last of them all, but it’s tough when brian’s got a tooth nipping at his thin lower lip. “hey,” brian whispers back, as if they’re exchanging a secret together.

jae leans back on his hands, palms flat against the wood. “this place is pretty cool,” he says, smiling.

“cool?” brian repeats.

“yeah, cool. i mean-”

he doesn’t get to finish the sentence, because one second he’s sat by the pier with the boy love of his teenage life, and the next he’s falling into the ice cold seawaters. too shocked for words, jae screeches as he lands face-first into the waters with a deafening splash. he squeezes his eyes shut, lungs filling with water. when he resurfaces, he chokes out a little seawater before flailing his arms around to steady himself in the waters. “you motherfucker!” he yells, but he’s not annoyed. he should’ve seen this coming, really.

brian laughs. “if it’s any better, i’m coming in with you.” truth to his words, he  _ does _ leap into the water with a backflip, and jae’s not sure to seethe with jealousy or drool at how attractive it is when brian resurfaces, white shirt plastered against his wet skin. “ta-da.”

“because that  _ definitely _ makes the cold bearable,” jae tuts, rolling his eyes at him. brian smirks, the corners of his lips curled upwards as he wades closer and closer to jae, until they’re only a few inches apart. 

jae falls silent, his eyes searching for an answer in brian’s bright eyes. brian smiles thinly, before wading so close that their chests almost touch. jae’s sure as hell that the other can tell the second his breath hitches at how warm the younger’s breath is, fanning across his face. “brian.”

his heart is not his anymore. every ounce of it, blood and muscle and all, belongs to brian and brian only now. it beats so hard against jae’s chest, he’s convinced that it might just burst into nothing but an infinite pieces. “jae.” 

their foreheads touch, and jae’s eyelashes flutter shut on their own account. they don’t move, except for their legs swimming underwater to keep them upright. they don’t speak, one’s eyes shut whilst the other’s remain wide open, yearning to capture every second of this moment. when brian pulls away forever later, jae still remembers the slick warmth of the other’s heart beating just as fast as his own under the latter’s chest.

the next time he opens his eyes, he’s alone in the waters, all by himself.

 

— 

 

_ 2011 _

 

with chunky laptops and chunky phones and shitty wifi to match, keeping in touch isn’t easy for the both of them. they do try to chat, but with brian’s silly nokia phone and the shitty wifi by the shores, it’s tough to even receive a  _ hi _ in response to a  _ hey _ . eventually, the text messages and the calls dwindle down into nothing by the start of november, and jae can’t say he’s not disappointed.

time prolongs for forever, days and weeks and months going by without a trace of brian, and jae’s left with little memories he’s compiled together over the two summers they’ve shared. on the days he misses brian most, he unboxes them and shakes the memories out, before sifting through each one as he stares up at the bare ceiling. the memory of them playing volleyball, of clumsy brian dropping his ice cream cone on jae’s khaki shorts, of them with their foreheads pressed against each other in the icy cold water. 

the last memory always sends a shudder down his spine. he’s memorised every inch of it so vividly, sometimes he still remembers brian’s lips fanning hot breath against his own, brian’s fingers ghosting over his small hips.

when he turns nineteen, his dad gifts him with a brand new acoustic guitar, and jae falls head over heels. throughout the fall and winter and spring, he plays. he learns from online videos and friends, plucking the strings until his skin peels off and bleeds. fingers bandaged, he plays and plays and plays, the strumming of his guitar filling the empty void in his heart.

so when he returns to the beach this year, he has his guitar case strung over one of his shoulders now. he grins when he catches sight of sungjin standing by one of the taller palm trees, carding a hand through his hair. “hey, sungjin-”

his voice dies in his throat when he notices wonpil sidling up close to the older, notices how wonpil tilts his head and grins, before leaning in to drop a small kiss against sungjin’s lips. sungjin. as in,  _ touch-me-not _ sungjin. as in, i’d-rather-die-than-get-kissed-on-the-cheek  _ park sungjin _ . stunned, jae blinks rapidly until wonpil realises jae’s presence behind them and yelps.

“holy  _ shit _ , jae, don’t sneak up on us like that!” wonpil screeches, and immediately springing backwards. sungjin turns around sharply, his eyes wide with shock.

“hey, jae! uh, you’ve grown taller,” sungjin offers awkwardly, showing off his pearly whites.

jae rolls his eyes. “you two are so stupid, but i’m interested - how did you get into sungjin’s pants, huh, wonpillie?” his smirk spreads across his face. “care to explain?”

he’s never seen wonpil’s cheeks as red as they are now.

 

— 

 

much to jae’s comfort, his friends love his new guitar. as evening seeps through the day, they’re huddled under the palm tree to find solace after a long day of volleyball. jae stretches out his sore muscles whilst everyone begins passing his guitar around, ooh-ing and ah-ing over it. 

“oi, jae,” woosung pipes up as he passes the guitar for dowoon to hold. “play something for us, then.”

the huddle of his friends burst into a chorus of agreement, all nodding their heads and poking jae to play a song for them. slightly embarrassed, jae laughs nervously as his guitar is returned to his arms. “well, i don’t really have anything to play at the moment…”

“is that yours, jae?” a low voice suddenly asks from above. shocked, jae cranes his neck around to tilt his head up and look into a pair of glittery dark eyes. brian stands over him, hands tucked into the pockets of his apron. “that’s a real nice one you got there.”

for a moment, jae can’t seem to trace back his voice. “y-yeah. AC… something.” the model of his guitar dies down alongside every bit of his conscience as he stares at brian straight in the eye. maybe not, because as brian plops down into the empty space beside the older, jae’s eyes wander like they always do.

they travel past the loss of baby fat on brian’s cheeks, past the slowly broadening shoulders, past the half-unbuttoned hawaiian print shirt he has on. jae’s cynical heart flips before squeezing. it’s been so long, yet so short a time they haven’t seen each other. brian grins, his eyes shining as he says, “it’s been a while.”

jae ignores the furrowing of eyebrows from all around them. “yeah. it has,” he breathes, careful not to stumble over his words, because brian’s stare is so intense he feels as if he’s naked under his eyes. which, maybe isn’t too bad of an idea to begin with-

“-then since brian’s shift is over, we can start a game of truth or dare,” jackson announces all-too-gleefully, rubbing his hands together. jae swears he catches jackson letting his eyes linger on the former a little longer than necessary, before winking.  _ the audacity of that boy _ , jae sighs inwardly. he makes a mental note to shove jackson into the night waters afterwards.

as soon as everyone settles down, jackson grins wickedly. “how ‘bout we start off with me asking? i’ll spin a bottle - whoever it points to will have to choose either truth or dare from me.” 

he produces an empty soda bottle and places it on a mat in the centre of the circle, before promptly spinning it around. jae watches as the mouth of the bottle slows to point at a bemused brian. “bribri, you’re up first!” jackson laughs.

brian shrugs. “truth.”

“chicken.”

“it’s only the first round, jackson,” brian retorts, before leaning onto his palms behind him. if he notices how jae shifts his position to sit a little closer to the other, brian doesn’t make a move to say anything. “gotta start off on me easy.”

“okay…” jackson ponders for a while. “then i’ll go easy on you. is there anyone you’re pining over right now?” 

jae has to restrain himself from launching his entire body at the mischievous boy, but what brian says next stuns him motionless. “actually? yeah. haha,” he answers, scratching the nape of his neck where his hair has overgrown. “been for a while now.”

all is silence, save for the crashing of the waves at low tide licking against the shores. jackson wears an amused look on his face, which makes jae’s insides twist and squeeze uncomfortably. “huh. well. continuing!”

this breaks the awkward silence, and in a while everything returns to noise and loud chatter and screeching (mostly when dowoon is dared to press his lips against the rotting trunk of a fallen log nearby the group). still, jae can’t seem to shake off this uneasy feeling pooling in his gut. is it hope? is it longing? he can’t seem to pinpoint it, no, he can’t - not when brian has an arm around his shoulder and laughing into the shell of his ear.

he’s contemplated over it for month after month, endlessly, ceaselessly - of whether closing that last distance and pressing his lips against brian’s would change everything. he’d been pondering about it ever since their foreheads touched under the planks of the pier two years ago. the disappearance after seems to be answer enough to jae’s endless questions.

still. they said there’s never a harm in hoping.

“jae!” sungjin’s booming voice snaps him out of his daze. “truth or dare?”

blinking, he glimpses down at the bottle. sure enough, the mouth of it is pointed straight at him, the smiley logo plastered across the glass mockery enough. “uhhhhh…”

“don’t be a chicken,” wonpil singsongs on his other side, which earns him a swat at the shoulder from jae himself. “seriously! you always say truth whenever we play these games.”

“really?” brian asks, amused. the palm resting on his shoulder squeezes the muscle there, and jae feels like he could fly. “i didn’t peg you for chickening out like that, mr park i-dance-like-no-one’s-watching jaehyung,” he teases lightly, but that’s all it takes for jae to blurt out his contrasting reply.

as if beckoning for a challenge, sungjin arches an eyebrow. “well, that was easy to convince…” he narrows his eyes at jae, before allowing his line of vision to land on brian, then back at jae. shit. “i dare you… and brian-”

“-wait, why am i dragged into this?-”

“-to kiss each other. on the lips. five seconds minimum,” sungjin finishes, satisfied. he reaches a hand out to meet jackson’s high-five, the latter whooping loudly at this. “if either of you pull back, it’s an extra five seconds.”

jae pulls back to look at brian. brian’s eyes twinkle with curiosity as he cocks his head at jae prettily, hair falling past his eyebrows. he purses his lips together, which only makes jae look at them - any sane, normal platonic best friend would act like this just before they do a kiss dare, surely. “you up for it?” brian asks, as if jae kissing his crush of almost four years is some sort of game to him.

jae swallows thickly. “readier than ever,” he says, but it’s more of a mumble, because brian’s already leaning in, rolling onto his knees, and then jae’s brain short circuits. his heart seems to stop, for once, because brian’s half-lidded eyes and thin lips and taste of fruit upon his clothes permeate throughout his entire head. when jae closes his eyes and presses his lips against brian’s, it’s fucking  _ everything _ , everything that jae has imagined and so, so much more. so much that his heart hurts heavy against his ribcage, from the way brian’s warm hands slide up to cup jae’s cheeks gently, to the way brian’s tongue licks into jae’s mouth briefly, soft and slick with drool spilling past the corners of jae’s mouth.

jae’s unsure of how long they do kiss, but he’ll be damned if he cares about what the others think of them now. he’s still stunned speechless when brian pulls away, wearing a dorky grin on his face. there’s a bit of saliva under his lower lip which brian swipes away with the back of his palm. all hearts be damned. “that good enough for a dare, you perverts?” brian asks, looking at sungjin.

frankly, everyone is too surprised to say anything more. It’s easier that way, for brian to stand and brush crusty bits of sand off of his shorts, for him to shoot an easy smile at the group of friends. “anyways. i needa head back to the shack for my next shift. see y’all around.” he doesn’t even spare  _ jae _ a single glance before striding off, back facing the group of them.

jae watches brian’s back slowly shrink smaller and smaller and smaller with every step the younger takes, until he realises the dot that is brian is, in actuality, hot tears brimming his eyes. sungjin notices, turning to try and beckon jae to look away. “hey, jae, you okay-”

“-shut the  _ fuck _ up!” jae shouts. his sudden outrage surprises all of them, even jackson, who can only blink as jae scrambles to his feet and storms off in the opposite direction. he leaves a trail of blood leaking from his heart all along the way down the sands to somewhere to find solace.

it’s not until he reaches the pier that he realises that his first day back at the beach has already been so fucking ruined.

 

— 

 

he tries his best to avoid brian, he really does - but the beach has other plans. It’s not the longest coastline in the world, and there are the occasions when brian bounds over from the shack to play a quick round of volleyball with the others. and when he does, jae meekly offers to buy ice cream for everyone, or mentions how sweltering the heat is, or asks if he can take a breather by the deck chairs for a moment, all the while steering himself away from brian.

still, he supposes he’s doing a good job at it. some days, he coops up in the beach house alone, playing acoustic songs to no one, mostly about unrequited loves, confused lovers or breakup songs that have jae trembling when he sets the guitar onto the floor at the remembrance of that first day. the kiss haunts him day and night, night and day, because everything about it was perfect - the way they slotted themselves together with ease, the way brian’s hands were just huge enough to cup jae’s cheeks, the way jae’s nose brushed just so against brian’s high cheekbone. 

some days, he walks to the pier and sits by the edge in the evenings. he doesn’t know why. maybe he relishes in the tranquility of the sea waters then, sloshing against the legs of the wooden structure. maybe he savours the sound of the seagulls passing overhead.

maybe a sliver of him hopes brian may just pass by.

it shouldn’t surprise jae all too much when that does happen one day, sometime within the second week by the beach. jae doesn’t even have to turn around to notice; brian’s footsteps are heavy, the wood of the steps up to the pier creaking with his every movement. wordlessly, jae stares straight ahead, even when brian plops himself down beside jae on the edge of the pier. 

neither of them say anything at first. it gives jae time to weigh out his options. perhaps he shouldn’t avoid the matter anymore; then again, the weight of the situation is gargantuan - it’s the make it or break it point. 

he doesn’t make a choice, anyways, because brian is the first to speak up. “look, jae, i’m sorry about… what happened two weeks ago. at the, well. the whole truth and dare thing.”

jae’s eyes fall to the lulling waves, licking at the pier’s legs. “mm,” he hums in response, unsure of what to say. his words are clogged up in his constricted throat. 

when silence threatens to fall again, brian presses on. “i don’t want that to ruin the rest of your summer here. i don’t want to play volleyball knowing you’re trying to avoid me, and i don’t want to think about you being all by yourself. there’s only so many weeks that you’re here before you have to head home, and-”

“-why does it matter so much to you,” jae blurts out. it’s not even a question. he turns to face a bleary-eyed brian, his face softening at jae’s words, “when the kiss means nothing but a game.”

brian blinks slowly. time seems to pause for a second, because there comes no reply. only the rustling breeze and crashing waves seem to prolong the wordless exchange. he squeezes his eyes shut, once, before opening them again. “it  _ does _ matter to me. you’re here to enjoy the summer, not hold a grudge against me.”

it’s not the answer the bottom of jae’s gut wishes, but it’s close enough - and jae will reel it in. “maybe,” he shrugs, before casting his gaze at the waves again. he frowns. “remember when you pushed me off two years ago here?”

he hears the humiliation in brian’s tone. “it was an impulse, i swear. i said sorry-”

“-what did that mean to you?” jae asks. his heart is a hummingbird, voice trilling as its wings flap rapidly against the cage of his ribs, threatening to burst apart. “why’d you leave after? you never told me why.”

the younger looks at jae with a sort of earnest, eyes twinkling. “what do you think it meant to you?” he whispers, and jae has to roll his eyes a little at this. he catches brian smiling softly before he feels a hand wrap around his own hand against the floor of the pier. the immediate warmth emanates throughout jae’s skin, lighting up the skin there near his knuckles. “you could say i chickened out, i suppose.”

“what?” 

brian shakes his head. there’s a stagnant pause, before brian’s lips part. “boys. you can’t take a hint, can you?” he murmurs, before closing the gap between them. jae’s heart bleeds and bleeds and  _ bleeds _ , inky love spilling past the fibres of his tee and soaking into brian’s entire being. 

their lips find each other as if they’ve always been meant to be, their hands raised to cup one’s cheeks or grip the other’s shoulders. jae makes a sort of half-cry, half-moan at the back of his throat when brian shifts his weight, facing jae with one leg still dangling off of the edge. jae’s arms reach out to wrap around brian’s shoulders, fingertips grazing over the thin layer of the other’s shirt.

brian’s heart thrums under jae’s hand when he passes it over the former’s chest. his own heart leaps at this. brian pulls back, only to lean close to press small kisses all along jae’s jawline, down jae’s neck, making him squirm on the pier overlooking the sea. jae giggles, mockingly pushing brian off - and into the water.

“yah!” brian hollers before diving into the waters with a deafening splash. shocked, jae peers over the edge of the pier to watch brian resurfacing. he throws his head back, shaking like a wet dog. 

“sorry!” jae says, though he laughs it out more than he pronounces the word, actually.  “if it’s any better, i’m coming in with you,” he cleverly quotes, and before the other has time to process, jae dips his toes into the waters and pushes himself into the ice cold waters.

the waves ripple at jae’s presence as he wades towards brian. brian’s eyes are glittery, as if reflecting light off of that pair of dark brown irises, twinkling as jae reels him in with so much of a tug of the arm. “hey.”

“hey yourself,” brian muses. their grins are immoveable as brian wraps an arm around jae’s hip, another hand reaching out to cup the nape of jae’s neck. “talk about deja vu?”

when jae leans in to press kiss brian, nipping at the other’s lower lip, he can’t help but smile bashfully against brian’s lips. he nuzzles his nose along the strong slope of brian’s nose, something he’s never noticed, but has all the time in the world to admire now. “tell me about it.”

 

— 

 

“someone looks awfully cheery,” a voice chirps from behind jae. surprised, jae swivels around to see sungjin trudge from behind him, before plopping into the deck chair beside jae’s. It’s been about two weeks (technically, thirteen days, but jae is surely not counting off the days) since perhaps the best kiss of jae’s life, and maybe they’ve gone on a couple dates, maybe they’ve gone surfing, maybe they’ve cuddled up one night in jae’s beach house and woken up to each other’s morning breaths. 

jae shrugs, tuning the E string on his guitar. “well. i can’t deny that.”

his friend grins, leaning back in his deck chair as he looks at jae, as if seeing him in a different light. “i’m guessing everything resolved itself in the end, huh?” sungjin adds teasingly. 

jae hums in response, before shifting the guitar in his lap to strum the strings a little. “well. not really.”

sungjin furrows his eyebrows together in confusion. “aren’t you and brian together already? why the doubt?” he presses, sitting up straight.

“well, there’s the problem of there being not enough weeks in summer,” jae replies. “and to add on to that, there’s the whole long-distance thing to work out when i head back to the city for another two years before i can come back. and yeah, sure, brian’s got a decent samsung now, but the internet’s still pretty shitty here - no offense, but i can’t get a signal almost everywhere i go here,” he grumbles.

the other runs a hand through his dark hair, scratching the roots of his hairs. “hm. have you talked about it with brian?” as if to further exaggerate his point, he gestures towards the shack a distance away, where a gaggle of girls have started to crowd around the counter. 

jae frowns down at the guitar. “no,” he mumbles.

“what?”

“ _ no _ ,” jae enunciates louder, his gaze flickering up to sungjin’s face. “i don’t want to talk about it, sungjin, so like…” he sighs, carding a hand through his greasy hair dismissively. “just. drop it.”

“still, you two should-”

“-sungjin,” jae pleads. “please. not now.”

sungjin does, for the better part, shut up and stalk off in search of the others to start another round of volleyball. as soon as he disappears from view, jae wipes the hot tears brimming his vision with the back of his hand. he rubs his reddening nose furiously before strumming the guitar strings again, but the question niggles at him from where it’s been shoved to the back of his head.

it’ll be fine. they’ll figure it out later. if not now, later.

 

— 

 

after grabbing dinner at a local 80’s-style diner, brian takes up jae’s hand and drags him to his place. up until now, jae hasn’t noticed how he hasn’t ever been to brian’s place. the place isn’t shabby - he’s got a house to himself, albeit a small but comfy one. there’s a kitchen, small living room and a bedroom adjacent to it, a door leading to the bathroom in the bedroom.

“cozy,” jae comments, before he’s pushed up against the plastered wall. he laughs at brian’s eagerness, before leaning in to reciprocate. jae tastes iced lemonade and black pepper sauce from brian’s meal on his lips, with a dash of sunshine in between. he allows his eyelashes to flutter shut, allows himself to sink into the pillows of the moment. 

his hand reaches out to cup brian’s nape gently, other hand pressed flat against brian’s chest. brian grins against their lips, hands sneaking onto jae’s frail hips. “bedroom?” he whispers when they pull back for breath. jae’s head buzzes with white noise when he nods in response.

they never let go, hands intertwined as they stumble into the bedroom and jae kicks the door shut with his heel. the other only presses closer, their chests touching as brian leans over to kiss jae again. the younger’s hand finds the bottom hem of jae’s shirt, twisting it in his grip before tugging. “off?”

“yeah,” jae mutters. his heart is so, so wild against his chest, blood wringing out of it in a ceaseless flood as brian tugs the shirt off of jae, throwing it to the floor carelessly before pressing a chaste kiss on jae’s collar. 

“pretty,” brian giggles, has the audacity to  _ giggle _ at jae. jae mocks a pout before dragging brian to the bed. they each try to tackle each other onto the mattress, but they instead end up crashing unceremoniously onto the bed at the same time, knees knocking, hands crushed. “oh, fuck! ow, ow, ow,” brian winces, grabbing his knee.

“shit, you okay?” jae asks in between nervous laughter. he’s so nervous. he’s never been with a guy, well, like this before. so close. so much closer. he can practically feel the warmth radiating from brian’s body right beside him.

“i’ll live,” brian smiles gently, reaching over to kiss jae again. “i’d hurt my knee to kiss you forever,” he adds playfully, cooing as he cups jae’s cheeks. the weight of his words, however, find their place upon jae’s shoulders, and he’s hesitant to kiss brian back this time when their lips seal together again. because brian is caring, because brian is observant, because brian is the best person jae’s met in his nineteen years of living, he pulls back to watch jae’s expression carefully.

he settles into a lying position beside jae on the soft duvet, his head tilted to face jae. “what’s wrong?” he murmurs, thumb rubbing circles against jae’s cheek. 

“would you?”

brian snorts. “would i hurt my knee again? well, not on purpose, certainly, but-”

“-the forever thing,” jae blurts out. he gulps down his nerves. he’s a dick for ruining the moment, yeah. but still. “for forever?”

“yeah, why?” brian asks, his grin small and soft as he traces jae’s jawline with his thumb. he squints his eyes at jae and the expression scribbled across his face. “you’re not thinking about the long distance, are you?”

when jae doesn’t respond, brian sighs. “really?  _ that’s _ what you’re worried about?”   
jae shrugs. “this is new to me. the relationship, everything. i don’t know. long distance has been statistically known to separate couples, and i’m not sure if you want a partner who’s by your side everywhere you go, or something. and it’s probably going to be for a long time, too - i still need to pursue uni in the city, and-”

he’s cut off by a finger raised before his lips. “look, jae,” brian sighs again. “you’re overthinking it. then again, you’ve always been an avid thinker.” he kisses jae softly, fingers threading through jae’s dark hair. when he speaks, his lips still brush against jae’s, and jae’s heart is spilling past his chest, through the crevices of his ribs, dripping onto the mattress the both of them lay on. “i don’t necessarily want a beach boy by my side everywhere i go. I don’t want someone else. i want  _ you _ , park jaehyung, the city boy, the boy who owns my heart. don’t you see? it’s just you.”

his words hold a lot of weight, enough for the weight on jae’s shoulders to lift a little. “yeah,” he mumbles. he tucks his head into brian’s chest, nuzzling his nose against the soft fabric of the tee shirt. brian smells like sand and the sea, salt and fruits, sunshine and home. “it’s just me.”

 

— 

 

_ 2013 _

 

but time and distance is a human being’s worst enemies. and if anything, jae yearns to resist against it. yet, the world is against them - jae is piled up with work assignments, rushing from one lecture to another, cramming information into his head just in time for the weekly tests. with only stale coffee to fuel his energy, jae can only muster up so much energy to click  _ answer _ to brian’s phone calls.

their phone calls aren’t lengthy. brian is cooped up in the shack, and jae sometimes imagines him in his apron after school, hair ruffled as he asks jae about his day. jae’s busy with schoolwork, so he always hastily ends the phone call with a quick flourish, always feeling guilty until the next phone call.

he never calls first.

it’s a tiring two years, and there’s even a point where it seems like everything will break into pieces. jae still remembers it like the back of his hand: it’s a raining spring evening, with jae holed up in his dormitory juggling with his work assignment due the next day and his university application, all while having brian on speaker.

jae’s answers are short  _ uh huh _ ’s,  _ okay _ ’s,  _ that’s good _ , punctuated by pregnant pauses only filled with the sound of jae’s fingers clicking against the keyboard. finally, brian’s voice comes through the speaker. “am i a burden to you?”

“what?” jae asks, squinting at a typo he’s made on-screen. he gazes at the screen for a while, before returning his attention to brian. “what’d you say?”

there’s a deep sigh. by now, jae’s sure it’s the exasperated kind, the one where brian would argue if he had the energy and heart to. “am i a burden? i can hear you through the speaker, y’know. you sound busy.”

“no, no,  _ no _ , you’re not a burden!” jae blurts out, before casting his gaze at the clock on the table. 10:58. shit. he’s got only an hour more to wrap this up. “look, brian, we can talk about it tomorrow. i’m not busy, i just have a lot of things here, and it’s kinda tough to give my full attention and everything to you. i’ll make it up to you tomorrow, i promise.”

there’s a short pause. “that’s what you said yesterday-”

“-well, okay, maybe just-”

“-and the day before that. and the day before that.” brian’s voice is raised now. jae shrinks back into his chair, his hands shaking where they’ve laid themselves on the keyboard. “if you’re not busy, then what are you? i know i said it’s always you, and it always will be, but even  _ this _ is kinda pushing the envelope, don’t you think?”

like a fire ignited amongst lightning strikes: that’s how furious the anger boils in jae’s gut. “brian, look. i just have a lot of stuff to do, okay? and yet i still make time to answer your calls and listen to you ramble about your day and bombard me with questions-”

“-wow. checking up on you suddenly became annoying? i’m  _ sorry _ if i’m only concerned about you-”

“-you’re  _ concerned _ about me?” jae shouts. “if you were concerned about me, you wouldn’t say i was ‘pushing the envelope’. you would say, _ oh, i hope everything’s going well, jae _ . or,  _ it’s okay, take your time, jae _ . even  _ a good luck with your uni application _ is good enough.” jae releases a noisy sigh, pressing a hand to his forehead. 

there’s a slight pause. “your  _ uni application _ ?” brian asks. his tone is surprised, outraged even, yet his voice is tinny through the speakers. “you never told me that.”

“well, now i am,” jae retorts. he’s so, so tired. he might as well pass out right now, right here. “is there a problem with that?”

“why’re you keeping things from me, now? i thought we told each other-”

“-for fuck’s sake, brian!” jae yells. “my life doesn’t revolve around you! so i forgot to tell you about it. so what? it’s not the end of the fucking world, okay?” he sobs, tears spilling past his eyes. he’s not sure if he’s crying out of frustration, or anger, or whatever. he cries, wailing loudly and not even caring how irritating it must be for his neighbours. “this is why long distance doesn’t work. it just doesn’t.”

jae’s not sure how long he cries for. all he knows is this: the next time he brushes the tears from his eyes and stare back at his phone, the call has ended. 

jae’s not sure which will crack first: the relationship, or himself.

 

— 

 

eventually, the argument is left behind, and when jae gets accepted in the music university he was aiming for, things get a bit better. bit by bit, they reconcile, slowly falling back into the pieces they’d left behind. still, the bitterness of that day hangs over jae like a thundercloud, never fading away, only a constant reminder of how abrupt the phone call ended, how brian hadn’t answered his unasked questions.  _ will we last? how long until we fall apart? _

about a week before jae heads back to the beach for the summer, they video call. jae’s sprawled across his bed, shirtless, laptop propped up on his lap as he reaches a hand into a bag of potato chips. yes, it’s greasy, yes, it’s dirty to eat on your bed, but jae simply chucks another chip in his mouth, watching a blurry 480p quality brian move around on his screen. he’s dressed in a sleeveless tank top, his hair a bird’s nest atop his head. “and then wonpil was like, ‘no i didn’t’. but it was so clear, dude, there was fucking co-”

“-spare me the details, dude,” jae laughs, his hand rustling around for another chip. “i do  _ not _ want to hear what they got up to in the shack. i can only say that i hope you scrubbed the place ten times all over.”

“could’ve been twenty for all i know,” brian snorts, rubbing a knuckle over the tip of his nose. he sniffs. “feed me.”

“what?”

brian points at the chips in jae’s hand… or, well, at the screen, which seemingly looks as if he’s pointing at jae’s snack. jae laughs, grinning as he holds the bag out in front of the laptop camera jokingly for the other to pretend to reach in and grab one. it reminds him of a time two years ago, the both of them in the cooped up beach house living room - colours flickering on-screen, the both of them sharing potato chips until brian clambered onto jae’s lap to kiss him, movie and snacks soon long forgotten. the remembrance of it warms his heart, and reminds him of what he’s looking forward to when he returns home in a week’s time.

brian pretends to chuck the chip into his mouth, chew, and swallow dramatically. “damn, delish,” he purrs into the mic, which only makes jae laugh harder. the both of them are in fits of giggles, like two young schoolboys all over again. there’s a slight hesitance, before brian adds, “i miss you.”

it’s been a while since he’d said that. in fact, neither of them had ever mentioned how much they missed the other, now that jae thinks about it. it makes the distance between them too real, too much for either to bear, and jae’s always liked that: the lack of attention drawn to the hours and minutes and seconds they spend apart from each other. 

jae’s expression softens. “i miss you too. really, i do.”

brian smiles. he has his laptop on his desk table, so he props his elbows up and cups his cheeks in his hands so cutely. a loose strand of hair falls past his eyebrow, and jae yearns to leap through the screen to tuck it back and kiss his temple. “i miss you more.”

“i miss  _ you _ more-”

“-nope,  _ i _ do-”

“-nooo, that’s me!-”

“-we’re so fucking cringy,” brian laughs, his voice mellow and sweet, honey flowing from a fallen jar. “but i love it. i still miss you the most.”

“too bad you can’t miss me when i see you next week,” jae teases, setting the bag of potato chips down onto the bedside table and licking his fingers of crumbs. he’s aware of how brian is silent, watching as jae noisily sucks the crumbs off of his fingers. when he turns back to see him, brian has his head cocked to one side, a small smile on his lips.

“you’re so cute,” brian says abruptly.

jae can’t help but laugh, but his heart squeezes hard. he hasn’t felt that in so long, not when they’re miles apart and not when there’s no one else quite like brian kang younghyun in jae’s life. “of course i am; i’m  _ park jaehyung _ . cute should be my middle name.”

“fuck off,” brian guffaws, slapping a hand onto his knee in a way jae knows so well. (he also knows brian’s habit of picking at his fingernails, staring out into the distance unconsciously, untangling his earphones by practically ripping the wires apart; the list goes on for forever, jae supposes). “disgusting. i am disgusted.”

“first you say you miss me, now you want me to fuck off? a great boyfriend indeed,” jae taunts. he means it as a joke, but as soon as the words fall from his chapped lips, he wants to take them back. the other’s face falls flat, as if someone grabbed a cloth and with one stroke, wiped the dust off of a window to show the clarity of the inside. “i mean, well, you  _ are _ a great boyfriend, i’m just, y’know. just saying.”

for a long moment, there is nothing but silence. eventually, brian clears his throat and glances down at his wrist, as if checking the time. (jae knows he’s not. brian doesn’t own a watch.) “wow, huh. it’s kinda late. i’ve got something on early tomorrow morning.” when he smiles, it’s strained, devoid of emotion. jae can tell, and he can still envisage that strained smile in his very mind, even after brian ends the phone call not too long after. 

 

— 

 

they’d agreed to meet up by the shack on the day jae arrives back in the summer, but as jae trudges down the familiar pathway towards the shorelines, his hands turn inexplicably clammy. his heart squeezes tight with every beat, every step he takes closer and closer to the shack. 

seeing brian after two years always takes a little time to get used to. this time, jae doesn’t have to search for the other - he’s stood by the shack, leaning against the wall, frilly apron donned over a tank top and beige shorts stopping mid-thigh, feet chucked into a pair of ugly purple slippers. when brian turns his head from a conversation with sungjin, his eyes widen a little. 

jae supposes his own do, too. twenty-year-old brian is a sight to behold. not too much has changed, but there’s something so different about brian that has the gears in jae’s head creaking and cranking to life. perhaps it’s how matured he looks now, some more baby fat missing. perhaps it’s how confidently he strides over to jae, hands tucked into the pockets of his apron. perhaps it’s how his trimmed hair is ruffled by the slight breeze before he stops short in front of jae.

“hey.”

his voice is low, mellow. not as low as through the speakers of his laptop, but it still rumbles throughout jae’s every fibre. “hey,” he replies. he can’t stop grinning, not when brian’s smiling softly at him in return.

“been a while-”

“-yeah, two years, maybe?-”

“-damn, i wonder what  _ he’s _ been up to for two years now-”

“-i hope  _ he _ hasn’t met anyone else while i’ve been gone…”

when jae’s voice trails off, brian shakes his head as he smothers a giggle. “stupid boy,” he murmurs, closing the gap between them, and then all is good, all is bright and shining and glistening like the sunshine reflecting off of the surface of the clear blue seawaters.

but the clarity of the waters can sometimes get tossed upon tumultuous waves, some that neither of them can expect - like rain that falls as quickly as the changing winds.

 

— 

 

the thing is, the waves lapping at the shores are small slivers of of a sign of changing times - jae finds it harder to get brian out of the shack to play a round of volleyball. he doesn’t remember, can’t remember brian being this busy by the shack, even with his dad manning the front counter and jinyoung mixing drinks at the back.

jae finds it petty that he’d note such a little detail, so he brushes it off of his shoulders.  _ we’re adults now _ , jae reminds himself, adults with lots of responsibilities. his own words reverberate throughout his head, about how their lives don’t revolve around each other. something tells jae that he seems to be getting a taste of his own medicine.

 

— 

 

it happens more surely one night when jae asks the other out for dinner after brian’s long shift. the sun dips well below the horizon by the time brian emerges from the back, apron be damned. he has on a white shirt tucked into jeans he’s changed into, the top buttons of the shirt unbuttoned. he’s striking, a stark contrast against the soft curves of the pastel sky, and jae’s heart warms - until he notices the cig in between brian’s fingers.

he swallows. “you  _ smoke _ ?” jae says as nonchalantly as he can, but his throat constricts around the words. “you never told me that.” _ a taste of your own damned medicine _ , jae curses himself.

brian quirks an eyebrow - it’s clear that he still remembers that phone call so many months ago. “well, now i am,” he mutters, before rummaging for a lighter in his back pocket. jae’s not sure what compels him to do so, but he steps forward to swat the cigarette out of brian’s grip and onto the crusty sand.

brian sucks in a sharp breath, shocked. his eyes flit up to jae’s, and they’re a fiery dark brown, fierce and… confused. “what the  _ fuck _ , jae?” he asks, outraged.

“you always told me never to smoke. ‘oh, jae, you’re of legal age now? don’t smoke, don’t smoke, don’t smoke. it’ll destroy your lungs, it’ll give you cancer.’ and look at you now,” jae seethes. he’s unsure why’s he so worked up over this; it’s something so miniscule. yet, he frowns at brian, then back down at the cigarette, then back at brian.

there’s a cross of anger and frustration and confusion scribbled across brian’s face. “maybe the advice i give to people is the advice i wish i could listen to myself. so what?” he shoots back. he flicks the lighter in between his fingers. 

_ click. click. click. _

jae sighs. “fine. whatever. Your decision.” he waves his hand in the air dismissively, suddenly too tired to spark up an argument between him and brian. “kill your lungs? give yourself cancer? not my problem to deal with.”

and because jae’s the kind who doesn’t think before he speaks, because jae’s the kind who spits whatever appears first at the front of his head, brian shoves the lighter into his pocket. “not your problem to deal with,” he repeats, slowly, surely. “as if i’m a burden to you.”

jae swallows thickly. “look, brian,” he sighs, “it’s not that- look, let’s just drop it and go for dinner. we haven’t been out together for a while, okay? just… make a night of it.”

the whistling of the evening air permeates the silence. all that’s left is the both of them, windswept hair and tired hearts strewn together alongside the waves lapping at the shores. and, eventually, when you pull a string so hard and strained for too long, it will, and always will, snap. “maybe you’re right.”

jae blinks. “right about what?”

brian dares to lock his eyes with jae’s, those curved eyes jae crashed into that day so many years ago. “my life doesn’t revolve around you. and neither does your life revolve around me. our problems aren’t for both of us to deal with-”

“-i didn’t mean it in that sense, bri, you’re taking it-”

“-no, shut up.” brian steps closer, daringly, and jae can only stand rooted to the spot until brian stops short a few inches away. “i never wanted to tell you about this, or about dad, or about anyone or anything about me in general. and you know why?” he scoffs. “because you’re the one who told me, didn’t you?  _ my life doesn’t revolve around you _ .”

“you know i didn’t mean that at first-”

“-jae, just-”

“-i told you, i was busy with the application, and-”

“-just shut your  _ damn _ mouth for one second!” brian shouts at him, really shouts at him. jae notices the tears welling in the corners of brian’s eyes now, and he immediately feels guilty for seeing brian this way, for realising that he’s the reason why he’s seeing brian this way. “you’re right. what do we do now? huh? yeah, sure, play volleyball, watch movies, eat dinner, have sex, whatever. for less than three months, more or so. then it’s back and forth with the video calls and text messages for two years.”

jae shakes his head. “i don’t get where you’re going with this.”

brian wipes a fallen tear with the back of his palm. jae finds himself wanting to reach out to wipe it away, finds himself holding himself back. finds himself wondering why he’s holding himself back in the first place. “the world’s fucking with us. maybe it’s best if we just, well. stop.”

“stop?” jae shakes his head. “no, brian, you aren’t-”

“-we should, really.” his voice breaks from the emotion clogged up in his throat, and jae wants to comfort brian and rub his back and pat his head, but brian wants them to stop. _ stop what?  _ “it’s not going anywhere.  _ we’re _ not going anywhere. at all. both literally and figuratively. you’ll have a job in the city, i’ll stay here at the beach. there’s no place for both of us at the same time for a long time.”

and jae supposes, that all strings eventually snap, just as theirs, strung so taut between them does, when the sky is overcast with the darkest hues of warm colours of pink and red and yellow and orange. clouds shroud over them, and even through the rain that falls shortly after, jae can still make out the tears running down brian’s cheeks.

 

— 

 

_ 2015 _

 

jae makes a decision. he doesn’t return to the beach this year. wants to focus on music. on academics. on sports. on family and friends. 

on missing the one he truly loves.

 

— 

 

_ 2017 _

 

ten years after he first felt the sand grains under the soles of his bare feet, jae finds it surreal that he’s back here: the little town leading to the beach of his memories. the chatter of strangers all around him is louder than the pounding bass in the club. he feels dizzy, both from the shot of tequila he’d just taken, and from the strobe lights swinging around madly, throwing shadows upon every corner of the room.

sungjin is stood beside him. to find his friend after four years was a sheer miracle, to say the least. after contacting jae via email, sungjin had offered to help jae cinch a gig at the club to garner some attention on his music. he’d been reluctant at first - the beach is so far out and away from the uni, but he supposes desperate times call for desperate measures.

“nervous?” sungjin shouts above the din, loud enough for jae to make out the words.

he shakes his head. “not really.” not really, his little ass - his heart is a churning blood machine, pumping like a madman racing down the streets, threatening to burst out of his ribcage. the smell of alcohol and sex lingering in the air doesn’t help matters; his anxiety reaches peak level. jae plays with the guitar strap across his chest, guitar hoisted behind his back. “well, at least, not about the performance,” he admits.

sungjin sets down a firm hand upon jae’s shoulder. “whatever happens, it’s been four years already.” he smiles a little, eyes glittering under the dim lights of the room. “and besides. he still talks about you to this very day.”

something like hope swells in his heart. inky love does that, he figures. “okay.” he’s not sure what he’s okay about, but he figures he’ll understand when he’s called upon stage later on. as soon as his name rings out over the speakers, jae sucks in a deep breath before trudging up to the makeshift stage set in front of the club, directly opposite the counters.

he receives some polite applause, followed by murmuring as he plugs his cord into the amp, adjusts the mic stand to fit his height when he’s seated down. he’s just sat down to strum the strings to test the mic when he catches a flurry of platinum blonde hair out of the corner of his eye.

surprised, jae blinks rapidly. sure enough, opposite the stage is a bartender mixing cocktails at the counter, platinum blonde hair long enough for some strands to be styled to graze past his forehead. silver earrings catch the glint of the strobe lights before reflecting them off. silver earrings jae remembers gifting to a special someone too many years ago, but not too far off for him to forget. and how could he, when  _ brian _ finally looks up from pouring gin and tonic and all is silence?

their gaze is locked, like a key rattling in the hole and twisting firmly. as if the world is crumbling around them, and all that’s left is them and this bass music and their hearts still strung together by the thinnest of threads.. and the liquid flowing from the bottle in brian’s grip beginning to spill onto the counter.

brian breaks out of his trance, hurriedly apologising to the nagging head bartender and rushing around to grab a cloth. jae squints, trying to look at him again when sungjin’s whispering to him to go on from the foot of the stage.  _ the show must go on!  _ jae hears, the words ringing in his head, over and over and over and over-

and so it will.

 

— 

 

for every complete show, there must be an encore. jae’s always supposed only the best musicians receive the standing ovation, the cheers ringing throughout his entire chest for “encore! encore! encore!” and that was that.

but for this show, jae figures - there  _ will _ be an encore - and so much more after that.

 

— 

 

when he steps out onto the landing, the door leading up to the rooftop of the club swings heavily behind him. the salty sea air lingers in the atmosphere, a sure and steady reminder of where he is, of where he has come home to. beyond him, little terrace houses and low-lying hills stretch across the expanse of the town he has come home to, and above all - the stars twinkle with the light of a millenium, but perhaps not as bright as the eyes of the figure by the railing, who swivels around at the sound of the door swinging shut.

there’s a moment of hesitation, before jae clears his throat. “hey.”

jae’s pretty sure the other’s shot up by quite a few fair inches. long gone is the adolescence, the innocence on the other’s face; his cheeks have slimmed down considerably, eyebags a constant reminder of the works of adultery. yet, his fox eyes are still as bright as they were ten years ago, luminous, even in the darkness of the still evening.

“hey,” he smiles, the corner of his lip curling like it always does, has always done. “to be fair, sungjin said there was a special guest playing tonight. i didn’t think it’d be you.”

jae chuckles, staring down at his worn-out converses. “did you suspect it, though?”

“eh,” brian bumps his shoulder lightly against jae’s, and jae thought it’d be normal, it’d be nonchalant - his heart still bursts into a flame too warm not to spread all the way to his toes. “i did hope it’d be you, but well. y’know the thing about hoping: if you hope too high, it’s a long way down. something like that.”

when jae’s eyes flicker up, the younger’s eyes are watery with unshed tears. “bri…”

“i’m getting by,” brian mutters, wiping his eyes with the back of his palm. “it’s just… a lot.”

a gentle smile forms upon jae’s lips on their own account. “you think it’s not a lot for me too? for me to cut myself off from you? for me not to wake up to good morning calls and fall asleep to good night messages?” he slowly wraps his fingers around brian’s wrist and lowers his hand, just to see those shining eyes again. his cheeks are stained wet with tears, glittering under the moonshine. “i missed you.”

brian shakes his head. “i missed you too much for words.”

“we never did talk it out, didn’t we?” jae sighs. the tumultuous culmination of four years apart comes pouring down upon them in ceaseless torrents.  _ four years _ . yet, jae finds the sunshine after the rain pleasant enough to endure, so he drags brian by the hand over to the railing. below them, streetlights flicker along to the sure beats of their hearts. “i think it’d be best if we do.”

brian looks at jae, as if he aches to say something. but the moment is over as soon as it begins, and brian cracks a small grin. “yeah. yeah.”

 

— 

 

“-i’m still sure that it was them though. it sounds like such a  _ wonpil _ thing to do-”

“-after all these years, and you  _ still _ have a grudge against the guy?” brian chuckles lowly. he’s supporting himself up with his arms, palms flat against the warm bench as he leans back on his hands. jae watches the calloused lines, a reminder of years of hard work by the shores; the curve of the nails there, glossy from whatever remnants of liquids having been splashed onto them a while ago at the bar counter.

jae’s eyes dart back up to brian’s knowing ones. “eh. y’know the guy, cheeky and all that.”

brian hums. “he’s enrolled in the same university as sungjin, but he’s doing music production instead of law,” he suddenly says, so out of the blue that it makes jae quirk an eyebrow at him. when brian notices this, he shrugs. “well. the guy has a passion for music, i suppose.”

“huh,” is all jae can manage. they’ve spent the previous two hours retelling their teenage tales and reminiscing old and gold days, of cell phone-less days and shitty wifi which seem so far away, yet so near. still, it doesn’t mean that jae’s heart has slowed down - it’s sure and steady with the familiar  _ badumbadumbadumbadum _ against his chest. 

at that moment, brian glimpses down at his watch. “we should get going. it’s, like, 1AM now.”

_ don’t go yet. not now, a bit longer- _ “maybe we should,” jae fakes a yawn, which eventually does turn into a genuine one; it’s been a long day, made longer by the time he’d spent conversing with the other.  _ just a bit longer, please- _ “i’ve got a gig uptown somewhere in a few days; i’m probably going to sleep away my time here-”

“-you should come over,” brian blurts aloud. his eyes are dancing, flitting along the features of jae’s face too quickly for him to assess brian’s intentions. “like. sometime. to my place. i could make us lunch or something. hang out and stuff.”

_ a little longer, please- _ “sounds cool,” jae grins. “same place, right?”

“uh huh.” brian’s happiness mirrors the older’s. with his windswept platinum blonde hair and silver earrings clinking together in the slight breeze, the setting gives a sort of hopeful atmosphere, especially when brian leans in and draws jae into a hug. 

jae’s heart flips and flips, over and over and over again as his chest skims brian’s broad one, as jae’s arms come around to naturally draw brian into the embrace, as jae’s breaths begin to fan the side of brian’s face buried in the crook of his neck.  _ hold tight _ , jae’s breaths form against brian’s ear, too unreal for the other to truly notice.  _ hold me tight _ , jae thinks.  _ hold me longer. _

“i know i said this already, but i do miss you,” brian murmurs against the fabric of jae’s silk shirt. when he lifts his head ever so gradually, his eyes are still dancing - bright and luminous and darting straight at jae’s lips, chapped from the slight cold of the salty night air. 

“m-me too,” jae stammers. his nervous tone must amuse brian, for the younger chuckles dryly. as they ease into the silence that follows after, brian leans in so close, too close for it to be a hug, too far for it to be fleeting teenage love. and all of a sudden jae is split between closing the rest of the distance between them, and daring himself to push the younger off of his chest.

thankfully, brian makes the decision for them, and the little space left between them diminishes into thin air.

the initial try is a little awkward, lips brushing softly against each other - tasting, tantalising, testing the waters - and then when the firework of the memory bursts into their minds, lips press a little more, hands grip shoulders and hips a little tighter, hearts bleed a little longer. jae’s mind is all but white noise, shattering everything he wants to tell himself.

it’s as if relearning the lyrics to a favourite song after too many years to count - a melody so familiar to the ears, lyrics gone cold until they’re sung again. jae tilts his head, places a forefinger upon brian’s chin and pushes up for them to kiss deeper. brian complies, whimpering when jae’s thumb begins drawing circles along the warm skin on the apple of his cheek. 

it’s as if relearning the lyrics to a favourite song after too many years to count - and still loving them after all.

when they pull apart, brian’s eyes are glistening with tears threatening to spill past his eyes. they eventually do, and as he cries, he shakes his head furiously. “i’m so sorry. i was being rash about it - i was too selfish, too pushy-”

“-woah, where is this all coming from?-”

“-you didn’t deserve that,” brian sniffs. he snorts into his sleeve, which is utterly disgusting, utterly boyish and utterly brian-like. “it’s not like you decided where to get born and grow up in. i’m sorry, jae, i’m so, so sorry-”

“-hey,” jae breathes, too stunned for more words. instead, he allows the fingers tracing brian’s high cheekbones do most of the talking - a curl of a hand around the nape of brian’s neck, a stroke along the underside of brian’s chin. “that was, what, four years ago? that’s way behind us now. all’s forgiven-”

“-i miss you. so much.” brian is trembling in jae’s arms, so the older reels him in. brian leans his head against jae’s chest, dyed hair tickling the tip of the older’s nose. “every day i regretted telling you those words. that we should stop. that we weren’t going anywhere.”

“bri, i-”

“-you’re gonna let me finish this,” brian cuts him off, but jae senses the gentle smile in his tone. arms snake around the slender slope of the brunette’s back, and that’s when jae can really feel brian’s heart - pumping hot blood from the core, muscle contracting and relaxing at a rate so alarmingly fast that it shocks jae; to think that brian’s heart would do the same flippy thing jae’s has been doing ever since he’d laid eyes upon a certain beach boy so many years ago. “but we  _ were _ . and i regret it. i’ve been wanting to reach out, to tell you  _ i’m sorry, we’re naive, i should understand _ . i never did, because i was so worried you’d gotten over someone as fleeting as me.”

surprised, jae releases an airy laugh. “ _ you _ ? fleeting teenage romance? impossible,” jae shakes his head, ruffling the younger’s hair and causing him to pout against the fabric of his graphic tee. “you’re more of, like, the elephant in the room.”

“gee, i hope that means something good.”

jae grins widely. never has he felt more at ease, with brian back in his arms once again - and hopefully for forever more. “everything about you means something good, bribri.”

 

— 

 

and like inky love that spills past the fibres of paper, their love is clear as it overflows in between shifts at lowly-lit bars of gyrating crowds, and round after round of beach volleyball. jae cancels gig after gig after gig, which of course gets him a dressing down from a sungjin who’s been painstakingly helping him to book venues for whole weeks on end. 

with the wind kicking up, a sign of imminent rain, jae’s toes squish against the damp sand as he strolls along the shorelines. high tide nears now, bubbling sea foam tickling the tips of jae’s sandals as they slosh against the grains of sand. brian takes up jae’s hand to deter him from the setting sun reflected upon the tossing waves, to pull him into a kiss so deep jae sees stars in the darkness of his closed eyes. 

his heart still soars so high, tip-toeing amongst the nearing storm clouds. caught up in his bliss, he doesn’t quite catch the moment when brian leans back. jae yelps as he stumbles forward, and it’s a flurry of legs and arms as he throws his weight onto brian. brian lands onto the damp sand with an unceremonious thump and a screech. 

“shit!” brian laughs, groaning as he clutches his side. both of them resort to giggling as jae tries to push himself off of brian’s chest, only to fall on his side. he drapes an arm around brian’s waist, his hand brushing over the blossoming bruise. brian winces at the contact, but still smiles against jae’s lips when they kiss chaste, brief.

jae chuckles. “sorry ‘bout that,” he apologises.

brian shakes his head. “don’t worry. it reminded me of that time, y’know, when i pushed you off of the pier years ago? yeah.” pink tints his cheeks, and it’s absolutely adorable that jae reaches out to pinch them. “i never did tell you though - the pier was wrecked in a thunderstorm last year.”

“really?” jae murmurs. his heart sinks a little; that pier held fond memories of them over the years. to have it taken away just like that leaves him a little empty. perhaps it shows on his face, because brian ruffles jae’s hair, now filled with crusty sand grains. not that either one of them mentions it. “that’s a pity.”

“mm,” brian hums. his eyes flit onto jae’s, those godforsaken liquidy brown irises glittering. at that exact moment, a heavy raindrop plops onto jae’s face, making him yelp in surprise. followed by another drop, and another, and another - and soon enough, a heavy torrent is raining down upon them.

brian sneezes. “great. now we’re sandy  _ and _ wet.”

“is that really a bad thing, though?” jae laughs, squeezing brian’s hip. it’s a sign, for both of them to scramble to their feet and grin at each other, even through the sheets of rain rushing down and seeping into the grains of the shorelines. it’s a sign, for jae to draw brian in and wrap his arms around the latter’s hips and kiss him senseless.

it’s a sign, for the both of them to dance to soundless music. brian’s hair is matted across his forehead, some strands draped past his eyebrows. water droplets drip off of the tip of his strong nose, lips wet. raindrops leave trails as they slide down brian’s collarbones, before disappearing into his soaked tee. yet, his eyes are playful, as he leads jae into a twirl. it’s a little awkward, given jae’s long limbs and brian’s shorter height.

they make do; they always do.

when jae swivels back around, brian hums. “when are you leaving again?” he asks out of the blue.

jae blinks. the last time he’d left, they hadn’t spoken to each other for four years. they’d left missing the other so badly for four whole years. if he had stayed all that time ago, would that have made all the difference? where would they be right now, then? 

he can’t rewind to the past, but he could, perhaps, predict the future. “i’m not going back,” he blurts out. the raindrops blur his vision, but he swears he sees the brightest smile of all light up brian’s face. “i’m not going back anymore. the city isn’t my home.”

“then where is?”

jae wraps his fingers around brian’s wrist, before pulling him forward. the sea foam sloshes against the soles of their feet, now more insistently, but their love is stronger - it always has been. “here. beach boy. you.”

tears are mixed with rain, a river down brian’s cheeks. “ me?”

jae nods. “i want  _ you _ , brian kang, the beach boy, the boy who owns my heart,” he quotes cleverly, giggling when brian lets out a sort of half-laugh, half-sob. his face scrunches up as if he’s in agony, before he throws himself onto jae and embraces him so tightly jae wonders if he can still breathe.

“it’s just you.” jae murmurs into brian’s ear. his arms reach around to hold brian tight, to love him longer. “it’s always been you.”

 

— 

 

_breathe me in, exhale slow_  
_take me to anywhere you wanna go_  
  



End file.
